You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
