im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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