I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
