is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
