I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
