i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
