fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
