You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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