can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
