last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
