im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
