Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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