I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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