Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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