I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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