you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
