I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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