I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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