Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
