Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
