Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
