I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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