Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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