I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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