1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
