Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
