I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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