Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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