I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
