well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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