I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
