mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
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