Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
