after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
