Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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