ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
