FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
