Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
