just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
