dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
