I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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