if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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