# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
