Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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