Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
