I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
