He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
