My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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