after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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