Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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