I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
